Agreement with the Enemy - Fakirka (12.)
I was pedaling like a Swiss watch. Just to be calm. From work to school and then straight home. Otherwise, I had an interrogation. Ten minutes was all it took. Where have you been, how come you're so late, you've got someone...
I don't know how I'm gonna make that infidelity. We were all women at work... Maybe somewhere in the elevator on the way in. I didn't understand his thought process. He was obsessed with jealousy.
He liked to brag about me. And I thought it was normal and it made me feel good! My job was to cook, clean, not to throw up, and to fulfill my idea of the ideal wife without fail. If I'd only known what I was getting myself into... But I'm nowhere near there yet.
But no matter what I did, it still wasn't enough. Gradually, he became more and more insistent in his demands. He checked the dust with his finger, checked the bags, and made comments on everything. Wrapped in the mantra "You said I should tell you if you do something wrong."
I was getting allergic to that phrase. I regretted ever letting it out of my mouth. When I think about it many years later, we were actually living a double life. In the circle of friends, an ideal couple, behind closed doors, a parody of puppet theater. Although it's true that I've occasionally stuck my neck out and protested. And all it took was realizing what a coward he really was. It would have been so easy.
One of the critical moments was when I changed jobs and started working in radio. He liked to brag about it, but internally he saw it as a threat to his position as master of the house.
More and more often, I found the courage in myself in the presence of people and was able to say almost everything I didn't like to his face. Of course, as if in exaggeration. No arguing or scenes. The mutual tiptoeing in the presence of friends and acquaintances was infusing my body with energy. Everyone was entertained by our catchphrases spiced with dark humor. Only you and I knew it was real. A kind of truth game that we both respected and didn't revisit at home. An unwritten rule that acted as a steam release valve. In a way, it was fun. The truth. Only up to a point.
What I never got used to, though, was the constant wake-up calls. He was a classic insomniac. He woke up a lot. He couldn't understand that I didn't want to talk to him all night or that I just couldn't sleep in the light. Every time I turned on the lamp was like getting a cannonball between the eyes. It took me years to convince him not to do it. By then, however, my ability to sleep normally had become severely impaired. It never got better.
It was a period when (among other things) a lot of different financial advisors and insurance agents sprung up. One day, in order to take out an insurance policy, he brought his friend to us. I was glad we didn't have to go anywhere. I just didn't know that with this development came other innovations. One of them was that I started getting cards wishing me happy birthday, Christmas... Nowadays it's a common practice, although now you get these nice reminders that your advisor is still alive by email, but back then it was a novelty.
And so one fine day I came home from work and got slapped right between the doors. Until I could no longer hear out of my left ear. When I understood why, I tried to explain the situation, but to no avail. I needed to see a doctor, but he wouldn't let me out of the apartment.
Fortunately, after some time, he softened and graciously "released" me with the words "Take your dog and get out!" My beloved dachshund. A gift so I wouldn't happen to have too much free time. I have a thing for anything furry. He's been such a good companion and soul mate. But traveling with a dog in the state I was in, not so great. I held my furry happiness in my arms, tears streaming down my cheeks. To this day, I am still grateful to my colleague for saving me and then looking after the furry one during the examination.
Any louder noises literally caused my head to explode. I don't know how I would have managed without her. The doctors' verdict was clear. A ruptured eardrum and a brain contusion. For a while, I regained the ability to blow air through my ear thanks to that "wake-up call". In the freezing weather that prevailed at the time, it created a funny smoking ear effect. I felt like a fakir. Only the sensitivity to sharp noises was very unpleasant. Long live protective construction headphones! I loved them.
The ear healed fairly quickly. The head is worse. The scar on his brain will remain as one of the reminders of his great and undying love. I'm officially crazy. Oh, shit. With the added bonus of possible future epileptic seizure problems. Oh, yeah. Love just hurts sometimes. A priceless experience, though I could probably do without it. The phrase "There are enough stupid women in the world." keeps coming back to me. And I was.
10. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have given in so much. Stand up to you before I did. So you wouldn't wake me up and be jealous of me. I mean, the whole thing was completely ridiculous. I know. It's my fault. In fact, you did all that just to make me realize my own worth and dignity. That I have my own will and ideas about life. That I'm not your plaything and I want my own space to be realized. Maybe if I'd told you that from the beginning. MAYBE. I wonder if I regret it. If it gave me more or took away more. Either way, it happened and I have a lot more experience and perhaps the ability to recognize danger... Who knows?
